Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Breaking My Blog Silence

Today, I am breaking my blog silence.  

First of all, I am so thankful to those who have been checking in daily to see what is going on with #KidsMin Calling!  I've logged in and seen your visits and have been so appreciative.  The last day that I wrote was February 4th and since then #KidsMin Calling has been silent.  As I write tonight (Monday) Kari Jobe is streaming through my speakers and I am praying for Jesus' grace to abound deep within me.  

Today, what I write is the most personal thing I've ever shared on my blog. 

It has been over a month and a half since I resigned my full-time position as a #KidsMin.  I completed my six weeks notice a week and a half ago and have spent the last week and change unemployed for the first time since I was in high school.  

Why?  Many of you know of my upcoming marriage (on April 5th!) to the true love of my life.  When we were engaged on December 27, 2013 we committed to spending the next month in prayer and fasting as we searched for God's will and plan for our life together.  We were both open to moving and genuinely wanted God's best for our life.  Surprisingly to us, it was after much prayer, that we realized the Lord was calling us both away from the places that we called home and was sending us to a completely different area. 

I believe that it was Wednesday, January 29th that the decision was officially made for us to move and the decision was made for me to resign my position.  Talk about mixed emotions!  My heart was beyond joyful and excited to begin this new life with my future husband.  My heart was also grieved and heart broken over the thought of leaving the precious little one's who I had come to know and love as if they were my own.  Turning in my letter of resignation was quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.  I agonized over every word and stayed up most of the night crying silent tears and rewriting and rewording just praying for the Lord's grace.  

And grace it did abound... 

"The past two years have brought more joy and fulfillment to my life than I could have ever dreamed.  I have strived to every day make a difference in the life of every child, and it is with great joy that I have seen many children to come to know Jesus as their best friend.  I have invested all that I am into reaching this generation for Jesus and I have felt God's love and grace every step of the way."  

As I wrote I truly did feel God's grace.  I also felt humbled. 

Of all of the applicants, of all of those who applied, this church saw something in me.  The new college graduate with no experience, and a heart exploding with passion and love for God's people.  

I've never been a 50% girl.  
I've never been able to give just part of myself. 
I give it all. 
1,000 % every time. 

When Jesus says jump, I don't ask how high.
I throw my body into it with all that I can and try to reach for the stars.

I've been silent because I've been processing. 
I've been working through the ups and downs of emotions. 
I've been praying that the Lord would give me the words to write. 
I've been praying for grace. 

Here I am, one week and two days after saying good bye. 
I'm all in again.  
This day, I'm giving 1,000 % again to my future husband (in 10 days). 

I am learning of trust. 
I am learning of hope.
I am learning of love. 
I am learning of grace. 

I am learning that while I may not be a #KidsMin in title, that I will always have a heart for the Lord's children in my spirit.  I'm excited to see the ways that the Lord will use my dreams and the dreams of my future husband's to make a difference in this world.  

Today, I will share my heart. 

Tomorrow... that will take care of itself.